Excuse me ma'am what where you doing at approximately 4:30 this afternoon?

"Well you won't believe this, but I was actually stalking a psycho, south-Omaha, possible lesbian"...okay all you kids out there before you get all worried and start dialing the ACLU about some 25 year old stalker that goes out and harasses south Omaha lesies, hear my side of the story...now untwist your grammy panties and listen to my tale of wonder and excitement.

So there I was with my friend Paul, driving in south Omaha, now many of you are probably wondering why I was in south O, being that I am a north O kid by heart...mom don't worry I stopped the bangin' in high school. So there we were driving down Vinton street...oh yeah why I was down there...well I was taking Paul back to his house. What you thought that was the cool part of the story, oh hell I can only be interesting about 98% of the time and that line there just happened to be my 2% for the day!

So as we are passing this girl standing on the side of the street, Paul looks over to me and says, "you know I always wanted to ask you if that girl was a lesbian?" "huh?!" "That girl back there, the one we just passed, I was wondering if you ever saw her at 'the bar', cuz she used to come into Blockbuster all the time..." So I do want to give a shout out to Paul, my favorite lip pierced non-non-homosexual I love you, but...when did I become the authority on lesbians from Omaha? I mean c'mon I always brag that I can spot them a mile away, but hell, we were doing thirty and you expect me to be able to swivel my head and catch a glimpse as we are speeding around the corner...and maybe by the glory of the god I might happen to catch just a glimpse of her pant leg, in all my infinite wisdom, I shall bow my head, unleash the fury within and a thundering voice shall pour forth from my body and name the question-ed one...(imagine thunder and lightening, lots of wind and scary stuff like that) "Thou art a l-e-s-b-o!"

So after hearing such a stupid comment come out of my friend's mouth I did the only logical thing I could think of...........................................came to a screeching halt in the middle of Vinton street and flipped a bitch. Yeah I said it! I turned around right then and there, man I wanted to see this lesbian! So we do a return fly-by, and of course, after so much talk, we drove by I and thought, "oh man was that so and so?" well I should have thought about that before I said it, because apparently "so and so" lives in Millard and if I had really thought about what I had just let slip from my lips I would have realized that white lesbian millardians DO NOT walk around 19 and Vinton...my mistake.

So of course, just in case I was wrong, we turned around again, baby I was like Kojak on the case, and not that wimpy ass Kojak from the 70's or 80's or whenever it was, the big badass buff Vinton Rheams or whatever his name is...you know the Kojak from TBS that could kick the California Govenor's ass! "I'll be back" okay so what was I saying, oh yeah so we flip another bitch, thinking that we could "sneak up" the lesbian from Millard. We came around the corner and the girl gave us the slip! Man oh man we were slowing down, looking down streets, behind dumpsters thinking maybe her red sweatshirt would give her away, but to my avail no such luck. So to the red sweatshirted, possibly psycho, millardian lesbian that I saw on Vinton today...................... touche my friend touche!

So if the cops ask, you now know where I was today at approximately 4:30 this afternoon...